Wednesday, July 25, 2007

Ball Deep Video Taunt

Two can play at this game, Ball Deep!


(Hi-res version)

Prepare to be dominated.

Friday, June 22, 2007

Varsity v. Jackass

Varsity is the awesomest team on the WKL.

Thursday, June 21, 2007

Space Tractor v. Ave Rats

Wow, Space Tractor, you amaze me. This game was definitely the most exciting of the season.

Our opponents tonight were the Ave Rats, and the night started out awesome. We constructed a Space Cat to intimidate our rodential enemies out of foam and tinfoil. It was a frightening sight indeed. We sent one of our own (thanks, Randy) to infiltrate the inner sanctum of the Ave Rats as the Space Cat approached the field. Randy looked just like a real Ave Rat, with filthy trousers and a sign that said "Ave Rat" affixed to his shirt (the sign really sealed the deal). He began spanging as only an Ave Rat can, and we retorted with "Change? You want change? How about WKL champs in 2006, 0-2 in 2007? That's change!" Then we danced like idiots. We won the taunt, of course (4-0 on taunts!) and then the game began.

I think this game flip-flopped every inning. We started out ahead, the Rats scored two, we countered, etc. There were some phenomenal errors on the field, with the kickball flying here, there, over there, WAAAAY over there, Rats slinking between bases like vermin the whole time. Matt Daniels had flawless at-bats, with three ups and three doubles. In fact, there was great kicking by all Tractors; our strength tonight was definitely our offense.

We finished the fifth inning with nine runs to their seven, but the Rats had last at-bat. With the bases loaded, two outs, and no runs scored, it looked pretty sweet for ST. The kicker lobbed a pop fly out to left field, right to Matt Daniels. A collective sigh of relief washed over Space Tractor, and your captain even started jogging toward the dugout, sure of another glorious win. But then something happened.

Matt disappeared.

I'm not sure exactly what happened. Trap door, perhaps. An invisible Ave Rat under the grass, more likely. Or maybe it was just the tread on his running shoes.

Matt was down and the ball bounced and bounced while Ave Rats rounded the bases. The game was over. Ave Rats 10, your beloved Space Tractor 9.

Mr. Daniels definitely gets MVP for this game, and while I'd love to award him LVP as well, I'm going to go ahead and bestow that honor on his shoes. Fuck you, shoes.

Space Tractor v. Pirates

That damn Pirate pitcher with the nine-foot armspan was the death of us.

Space Tractor v. Darkside

The weather report for this evening was looking pretty bleak, but I was very happy to see all 12 Space Tractor drivers show up as promised tonight at BF Day. We were able to huddle regarding the taunt, throw the silver kickball around quite a bit, and get a bit buzzed. The weather held, the taunt was exceptional, and Space Tractor is now 2-0!

It didn't go exactly as planned, however. Upon seeing the Darkside for the first time this evening pre-game and welcoming them to the field, we found out some unexpected news. You see, last year your captain spent hours and hours constructing a scale model of the USS Enterprise in order to mock the Darkside (get it?). They countered with a rolling-credits-style story about Miss Commish and her vagina and ended up winning the taunt, much to Keytarded's chagrin. This was the team to taunt this season, in my eyes. So when we sauntered up to the Darkside to wish them good luck, we were crestfallen to learn that they hadn't even prepared a taunt for us . Not only that, but they weren't even able to muster enough players for a regulation game. Eight o'clock came and went, and with only six players representing, Darkside was forced to forfeit. A disappointing win for Space Tractor, but a win nonetheless.

The game went on, however, with Darkside poaching players from Tha Tang and Happy Birthdays in order to form a full team. Since we had already won by default, this would be merely an exhibition match. Matt Hodge decided to play the entire game with a beer in his hand. We had two brand new rookies joining us this game, Callie and Kira, and they share MVP status this week for hitting the ground running and totally rocking in true Space Tractor style. Matt Hodge falls from MVP to LVP this week for dropping the ball twice and letting a ball bounce over his hand once. Granted, he did have a full beer in his hand, and granted, he did manage to catch one pop fly even with the beer, but this was his one chance to get LVP and there you have it. The final score: Space Tractor 8, Darkside 9. Good thing they forfeited!

Space Tractor v. Tha Tang

What does Tha Tang taste like! Tha Tang tastes like defeat. Sweet, sweet defeat.

Thanks to great teamwork and several superhuman throws by Matt Hodge, Space Tractor was gloriously victorious on the field yesterday. You guys are awesome.

Highlights:
  • Mindy's fem-bot costume was top-notch. Space Tractor toasted tang, discovered it tasted like defeat, and mocked our opposition. Pathetically, Tha Tang did not taunt us back.
  • Some extremely well-placed kicks by nearly everyone involved. Space Tractor is precision.
  • The two aforementioned throws by Matt Hodge. Holy jeez. The first was lobbed from way past third base toward a Tang runner about to score. It seriously curved around the third base line and connected square in the back of the runner, just steps from home plate. The second was a bunt scooped up by Matt and hurled towards first base. Again, despite the distance, the kickball flew like a heat-seeking rocket and connected with its target to the cheers and amazement of all. So far, Matt is the only one exempt from the "don't throw the ball at the runner" rule.
  • The final out of the game was scored by Matt Daniels. It involved jumping, sliding, throwing, yelling. When the dust cleared the runner was out and the game was over.

Sunday, May 27, 2007

Taunting FAQ

How to get the most mileage out of your Space Tractor taunt.

What are the best themes to incorporate into my Space Tractor taunt?
Other than spaceships and farm equipment, we suggest making fun of the things that have made this team great in the past. We are generally loud and exceptionally obnoxious, so you could try to be even more loud and obnoxious than we are. The battery powered keytar has been a staple of this team for years and is always a good target. The team captain dons a thong during playoffs, so making fun of the size of his member might energize your team. Sadly, ex-Commish Sarah Heston is no longer on this team (or with the WKL at all) so making fun of her vagina is off-limits.

The taunt I have in mind for Space Tractor is amazing and hilarious. We are sure to win.
You are so extremely, painfully wrong, my friend.

I'm convinced that my best bet for a Space Tractor taunt would be to involve Miss Commish's fire crotch exposed in some way.
Yes, you and everyone else. I realize the absence of Sarah handicaps your taunt options a great deal, but you're going to have to leave the beaver out of it.

What is Space Tractor?

Born from the ashes of Keytarded and Hell Toupee, Space Tractor is both obnoxious and whimsical, backwoods and futuristic. After finishing the season as King Losers as Hell Toupee, Keytarded went on to take three-time world champs Danger Moustache out of contention during the first game of the 2006 playoffs. This year? The keytar and megaphone remain, but ex-Commish Sarah does not.

What is a Space Tractor? This spacecraft, proposed by scientists at NASA, would be launched into space to nudge planet-threatening asteroids off course.

Space Tractor [allbusiness.com]
a small space tractor that would snuggle up to a planet-threatening astroid [China View]

It's also worth noting that Leningrad Cowboys have a song called Space Tractor. Strangely, the Leningrad Cowboys are not from Russia, but from Finland, not unlike another Nordic band with a misdirecting name: I'm From Barcelona (who are from Sweden). Is "Space Tractor" by the Leningrad Cowboys the Space Tractor theme song? No. No, it is not.

Monday, May 21, 2007

Space Tractor to Cuddle Up With Nasty Asteroids

From China View. Reprinted without permission.

BEIJING, Jan. 28 (Xinhuanet) -- NASA astronaut Edward Lu believes America's space agency should design and build a small space tractor that would snuggle up to a planet-threatening astroid and give it a gravitational nudge to change its path to avoid a collision with Earth.

Lu told an audience at the University of Hawaii-Manoa Monday evening the 200 million U.S. dollar to 300 million dollar spacecraft would exert enough gravitational pull to alter an astroid's orbit.

"We're only trying to get a really tiny change in the velocity of the asteroid to prevent an impact," said Lu, a former University of Hawaii solar physicist.

Lu was a member of a panel that included three Hawaii scientists who characterized the chances of an asteroid colliding with Earth as rare but deserving of the same level of attention as major earthquakes, tsunamis and hurricanes.

The asteroid Apophis will pass within about 20,000 miles of Earth on Friday, April 13, 2029.

"It's going to come so close to the Earth in 2029 that its orbit will change, and it might change enough so that it comes back and hits us in 2036," said Hawaii planetary scientist David Tholen, who discovered Apophis.

During the asteroid's next close pass to the sun in 2013, that risk will be assessed in radar surveys, he said.

Objects the size of a grain of sand frequently hit Earth's atmosphere, appearing as shooting stars in the night sky. But a larger impact could be devastating. Asteroids are blamed for the death of the dinosaurs 65 million years ago and an explosion over Tunguska, Russia, in 1908 that wiped out 60 million trees over a 830-square-mile area.

According to a presentation by university astronomer Robert Jedicke, a Tunguska-size explosion would be able to blast or burn nearly all of Oahu.

Because the devastation would be great, the risk to a person of perishing in a major asteroid collision is about 1 in 10,000 or 20,000 over a 100-year lifetime -- the same risk associated with dying in a plane crash, Jedicke said.

The University of Hawaii's Pan-STARRS program would train four powerful digital cameras toward the heavens to watch for would-be intruders.

Officials from the project are hoping to garner public support for putting the equipment on Mauna Kea. The telescopes also could be built at two sites on Haleakala, where a prototype is being built, but scientists warn the project would take twice as long to complete there.

Environmentalists and Hawaiian activists have argued against additional development on Mauna Kea, and some scientists have expressed concern about additional construction, as the volcano already hosts 13 telescopes.

The program would be able to provide decades of warning of an impending impact, the scientists said.

That would be enough time to launch a tractor spacecraft to knudge the asteroid into a safe orbit, said Lu, who spent six months aboard the international space station in 2003 and was a postdoctoral fellow at the University of Hawaii's astronomy institute from 1992 to 1995.

To do nothing would be to invite disaster, he said.

"If we are wiped out by an asteroid, that will be our own fault at this point," he said.